Women Can't Compete

OK - so the title is intentionally provocative, but I couldn't resist. What it should really say, is that women don't compete well.  So take a deep breath and read on...

Kimberley MacKenzie wrote a blog recently entitled "Why dont' women have a greater profile?" She makes some interesting points.  As I sat ready at my laptop to post a roaring comment of approval and agreement, I began to look at her points and realized... I don't agree with her.

I don't think that women lack ambition, avoid looking ambitious or that they dislike women who are ambitious.  I don't think women neglect "bring other women along" as they succeed.  I don't think "ego" is always a bad thing and I don't think the women I know think that either.  I don't know anyone who doesn't think that knowledge is good or who doesn't work hard to further their personal or professional knowledge.  I surround myself with assertive (and even aggressive) women. 

So why is my actual experience, so different from my emotional response to Kimberley's post?

All of my professional success has occurred because women some very assertive, brilliant, driven women helped me to succeed.  Their help and support sometimes came in the form of bitter medicine.  I reluctantly (and sometimes resentfully) drank that bitter medicine and today I'm better for it. 

Many of these women were professors.  One was Nancy Mandel, my boss and mentor at the Centre for Feminist Research.  She didn't give me "huggles and snuggles" when I screwed up. She held me accountable and sometimes that was very unpleasant.  She also supported me and taught me that screw ups don't define you; how you handle them does. My manager at Prentice Hall, Sherry Zweig, pushed me, challenged me, and demanded I do the same with her. These women didn't get upset or offended when I challenged them.  Instead, they led by example and taught me how to take it well. 

Competition 101

These women taught me an essential quality.  They taught me to compete... They taught me how to get out there and fight hard for an issue, opinion, and/or myself.  They also taught me that when the competition gets rough and you get hurt, you don't blame your competitor or some other external influence - you blame yourself.  You pull up your socks.  You learn from the experience, and you don't confuse competition, challenge or differing opinions with friendship and camaraderie.  You don't take offense when a competitor bests you or challenges your views.  You take it and use it to better yourself, or your position, the next time you are met with a challenge. 

Less Whine - More Win!

When I first read Kimberley's post, my gut reaction was to look outside of myself and to agree.  However, upon further reflection, I realized that perhaps this was an inward issue, not an external one.

Look amongst your circle of friends - who do you include in your network of associates and friends, that have a healthy ego, are assertive, driven, constantly upgrading their knowledge and personal pursuits,  who will disagree and challenge you?  Then ask yourself: 

• How have I "brought these remarkable women along" and promoted them to others? 
• How much time do I spend every day, week, year - working to identify,  connect with and help women with these qualities? 
• How many of the women in your network are women that you compete with? 
• How do you respond when these strong, assertive women, challenge you and push you and make you uncomfortable - or when you find yourself in a competition with them?

Ambition,  in the absence of generosity - is just selfishness. (regardless of your gender)

Suck it up ladies

I'm OK with being in your face (as evidenced by this blog) and I have no shortage of strong willed, assertive, driven, successful, women friends and colleagues.  I was taught early in my educational and career life that it starts with you: Give before you receive.  Work hard, lead by example, compete with passion and be generous.  I'm far from perfect, but I have tried to live that way. 

I am surrounded by amazing, strong, capable, generous women, willing to support and help me, but who will also slap me upside the head when I need it.  I really can't complain about women.  My experience with women has been mostly excellent.  I'm not everyone's cuppa.  Some women like me, some women love me - and others... well they don't.  When I have found that I've not being helped, promoted, or supported by the women and people around me, it's been my own damn fault.  At the end of the day, I have to suck it up and own that fact. 

Hopefully the next time I start to whinge (and that day will come) - one of you will point me back to this blog.  I promise to thank you for it!

Comments

[Claire]

Hi Laurie, I appreciated this topic! Two things I wanted to add I think are important that haven't been brought up.

In the nonprofit sector there are more women than men, and more women in administrative positions than in management positions. There are quite a few women who have begun at an org in an administrative position and then worked up the ladder, or been promoted internally.

In my experience, for many of those women they believed that was the expected career path. If they did a good job and waited their turn, they would eventually be noticed and rewarded. This attitude is not the same as the "ask for what you want" attitude -- the idea that you should ask for a promotion, or more responsiblity, or a raise, and always keep job opportunities open elsewhere.

Another unfortunate trend I've noticed in the charitable sector is the perception (often untrue, but still there) that for some orgs, people who are promoted from within are not as valued as employees brought in from industry. I've watched many female friends wondering if their organization values their loyalty and long-term experience.

For my male friends, negotiating seems less of a stress point. Is it easier for them to officially ask: "Well, I want to see this happen, or I'm moving on" because people expect men to play hard ball?

I don't see the same ease with negotiation from my female friends. We talk about this a lot -- Loyalty to your org, being comfortable in a position, vs. striking out to discover what you're really worth.

[Laurie]

Hi Claire - thanks for your comment.

I agree! This is a big and important subject and I'm delighted to see people contributing, debating and adding the perspective. It's a complex issue with lots of moving parts and influences. Perhaps if we keep discussing these things with open minds, we can all learn and do better!

Thanks again for your comment... I really appreciate it!

[Sonya Swiridjuk]

Hi Laurie, great blog! You've made me think of many remarkable women who have had a profound influence on my life and in my career. Not only have they lent me a hand up the proverbial ladder of success, but they also haven't been afraid to kick me in the as*s when I needed it. Here's to "paying it forward"!

[Harm Reduction]

Thanks Sonya.

 

I love this discussion!